Not that long ago I felt like a supermom- I Homeschool 6 kids, my house is clean, we raise chickens for eggs and food, we grow an organic garden, we eat every a meal cooked with organic products and from scratch nearly every night, my husband and I get regular date nights, we spend one on one time with our kids and I run a small home based business, we throw awesome parties, we do 4H, we volunteer, we donate and we give. We lived a debt free/all cash lifesyle. My days were organized, my house was peaceful and I felt like ‘I got this’.
Then God said, ‘get ready for some changes!’
And in November my daughter got sick, in February she was diagnosed with Chronic Lyme Disease and in March she started aggressive treatments that will last at least 2 years.
In February my son started the process to join the Navy. He is following his dream and the path he set for himself as a young child. But this momma heart is struggling.
In March my husband quit his job and is partnering with a friend to open his own shop. Leaving a steady and secure job and consistent paycheck for a hope and a dream.
Now my days are filled with chaos, and tears, and stress. I watch my daughter struggle to even walk or complete a sentence. I watch her take medicine/supplements 7 times a day. I watch my other children help her eat when she can’t do it herself. I watch her fight against her body and what Lyme is doing to it everyday.
And my heart breaks a little. She is only 16..she shouldn’t be so sick. Her body shouldn’t be so broken. Things like walking and eating shouldn’t be such a struggle.
But then I see her smile or make a joke and it brings me back to reality. She is a fighter. We raised her to find the good in things and not to have a pity party. We never tried to break her strong will, instead we encouraged it and taught her how to channel it for good. And that strong will is making it easier for her to fight this disease.
Here is a video of her yesterday, she was having such a hard time just walking. And instead of getting upset or feeling sorry for herself, she asked her uncle to take her ice skating. She said it would be funny to watch her try and skate like this and look like a deer on ice. We all laughed, our silly Paige with her since of humor still strong.
On Tuesday I signed the release form giving my son to the US Navy and I cried. And selfishly I would be OK if he failed the physical exam (his last step) but I am praying constantly that he doesn’t. And while I don’t want him to tell me he wants a high risk job, I know I will be so proud to tell my friends what he is doing and how he is serving our country.
I know when he leaves home another part of my heart will break. My first child to leave home. My helper. My cook. My project maker. My gardener. My chicken buddy. And the list goes on. A piece if me will leave with him and I am sure I will shed a million tears.
(And I’m sure I will many times before he actually leaves)
And my days of being home, cooking and cleaning have been replaced with being gone everyday, cleaning, sanding and painting along side my husband at the new shop. My house is disorganized, my yard has weeds, we aren’t getting the big home cooked meals (it’s more like left over it whatever we can find) and I am trying to be OK with that. Right now I am a helpmate to my husband. I am supporting his dream and our future. And it is just for a short time, soon the shop will be open and we will find a new routine, a new normal.
And between Paige’s treatments, being without a paycheck for a few weeks and some other emergencies, we have debt. And this is a HUGE stress to me. It keeps me from sleeping at night. I worry about paying it off. And when praying about it I am reminded to be at peace. This to is a season and it will pass. In a few month when the shop is open we can pay it off. And I stop and take a deep breath and I am thankful that we even got a credit card last year…what we would do right now without it??
Perception…deep breathes…faith…humor…prayer…these are the things getting us through right now. We know, like everything, this season will pass. We will soon have another chapter complete in our story. And we will be able to look back and see how God prepared us and guided us. We will one day wish we had this chaos when my house is quiet. We will be a stronger family for having been through this.
I don’t know if I will weather this chapter with grace or not…that remains to be seen. But I do know I will cry a lot…this momma heart is on overload and it breaks a little more everyday. And maybe just getting through this will indeed make me a supermom!